End of Hopes: Shi'ar Happens
by Quillon42
Summary: When Hope Summers goes too far in her "heroing" all over the universe, she along with her accomplice Gabe Cohuelo are punished by a conspiracy fueled by an Imperial Guard which is just...constipated to dole out justice. An accessory to all this is a fellow Light who unwittingly does to Hope literally what the Messiah has always done to her metaphorically.


END OF HOPES: SHI'AR HAPPENS

By Quillon42

SOMETIME IN 2013; SOMEWHERE IN SPACE

Never had Laurie Trommette been treated in quite the queenly fashion as she was now. She was atop the universe now that she helped trounce the threat of one overwhelming and overbearing young mutant mistress, whom at one time she had at least known as a teammate.

But never really as a friend.

Would it have been a friend, after all, who had caused a transformation within her which would accelerate her life so dramatically, in more ways than one, but to the traumatically bad in addition to the progressively good? Would it have been a friend who had opposed, most aggressively, many courses of action which the brilliant American/Canadian student had proffered? Would it have been a friend who punctuated one such opposition with an elbow most breakingly to said student's schnoz?

These and more were offenses against the person—several persons, in fact—all perpetrated by none other than the one who was supposed to come and save her species. The folly-follicled heroine who was to deliver homo superior from the brink of extinction.

Put the question to anyone imbued with X-Genetics, as to whether Hope Summers had lived up to the title of "Mutant Messiah," and he or she would say that basically only the first three out of four of the syllables in that title applied to her.

Goodness knew that Hope—and to be fair, her ever-present accomplice Gabriel Cohuelo, alias Velocidad—had at least left enough of a "Mess" all over the multiverse, given the rampages in which the two had been partaking all this time. Not wiping out entire alien races, as a certain iteration of the immaculate Phoenix might have done in decades past—but leaving traces of said lifeforms in traction nonetheless, with mass epidemics of everything from neutron-bomb-magnitude noogies to world-war-faring wedgies, and all because none of the creatures beyond Earth had recognized Hope or her leading guy as 616's gifts to the Machine multiverse.

What it all boiled down to especially was the idea hatched within Hope's mind that her title translated to entitlement; that she could behave however the hell she wanted to, because she was who she was. And this rubbed off, in time, to the lurid lass's beau Gabriel as well.

Certainly besides the beset aliens as well, there were wards of human women and men with lacerations and fractures which came consequent from attempts to interface reasonably with the intense, pretentious youths. Those were the ones that came first, in fact—the first victims.

Tiring eventually of lording it over others with her aforesaid Force Field of Entitlement—a field making her so much more impervious than the original gangsta enemy of the Xers known as Gunther Unuscione, and inspired by that contrast, landing her in intergalactic tabloids as the pseudo-villain "Onus the Insufferable"—Hope whisked herself and her boyfriend off the planet, and the two took to throwing their homo superior weight around other galaxies and the inhabitants unlucky enough to occupy them. The damage the duo wreaked across the cosmos was enough, in time, for a certain faction of frontier enforcement to up and take notice.

Eventually it was none other than the Imperial Guard came into the case—just as it did with the original Alien Clone Phoenix—the Shi'ar muscle stepping in to set right the puerile perpetrations of one Hope Summers and her hapless Central American swain.

And so it came to pass, on a night of depantsings of the denizens of a colony near Sirius, that the Messiah and her man were surrounded and sure to face imminent capture by the Imperials. Hopey flipped a hand up in the direction of the garrulous Gabe, in an attempt to mimic his superhuman speed and mosey from the scene in a millisecond—but the wily whip of Hussar curled around the hussy and canceled out her consciousness before the ability could properly take. In turn, Gabriel thought to get away on his own innate steam, but an abrupt semi-intangible brushaside from the Shadowcatesque Astra (whose first appearance predated Kitty's, to be fair) precluded this.

Satisfying seconds later, the Guardspeople trundled off with their outer-space scofflaws in tow. Though they deserved credit for the strength involved in the capture…

…it really fell to another cadre, or at least a couple of members therefrom, to provide the savvy for it. Yes, just as it took a thief to catch one, the Imperial Guard found that they would require the services and talents of Hope and Gabe's fellow Lights in order to secure the insolent youths' apprehension. One such literally-brilliantly-named individual was Teon Macik—or as he was uninspiredly dubbed, Primal—a young Ukrainian man who mostly acted in a savage manner, although there was much more intelligence and potential to him than what met the eye. At any rate, this mutant's tremendous tracking abilities helped score the scent of Hope and Gabe even galaxies away.

And beyond this invaluable assistance, there was another whose experience with Hope, including the intuition regarding the girl's tendencies and behaviors, proved essential in the netting of Miss Summers and Señor Cohuelo. Really, over the course of the last couple of years, very few people—perhaps Nathan Christopher Summers, or maybe the wooze-inducing Wolverine—really knew Hope, what made her tick, what the woman would do in a given situation, crisis-related or otherwise. But neither of those men would lend a hand (especially not Logan, given the torment he felt from his betrayal of the undoubtedly magnificent Messiah during a certain Avengers-related conflict the previous year) in the haughty Hope Summers's capture.

There was a certain fellow Light lady of Hope's who was up to the task, though. The abovementioned overachiever known as Laurie—Transonic, to most of the world. The girl who literally ran, sped, sprinted alongside Hope Summers in their adventures around the Machine's demarcations.

The one who, more than any other individual, was messed on the most by the Messiah—and who thus had most of the score to settle. To be sure, Laurie would not have minded Hope's being taken down a peg or two by any kind of authority in the universe. To be honest, though, the girl never wanted any severe harm to come to her contumacious compatriot.

Little would the magenta-haired maiden know that her multifarious assets would come into play, in more ways than one, in the dispatching of her deputy leader—an execution in which the excrement would most seriously (and literally) hit the fan.

It was the happenstance that, in the course of the crummy young couple's capture, Light Laurie and Guard Gladiator collaborated, lent their thoughts to one another on the logistics of the exact stratagem by which Hopey and Gabe would be caught. And in the end, it was really the trio of Teon's senses, Laurie's intuition, and Kallark (i.e. Gladiator)'s leadership which brought down the pesky pair. Through all of this, Laur and Kal developed a bit of a thing for one another, with the latter enamored with the bluish flesh and mauve mane of the former, and Trans in love with Glad's same colors, in reverse (really, with his hair being the usual DC Comics bluish black, and not just bluish—par for the course, as the Guards were inspired by corresponding characters from said other universe). In truth, Laurie in time had garnered a wish to see Kallark naked—and Kal himself, well…with Laurie no one really needed to make such a wish, as the explicit exhibitionism of her "costume" kind of already obviated such a desire.

At any rate, the two decided that it would be more than appropriate to celebrate the arrest of Hope and Gabe through a sumptuous supper. For Laurie, it was a joyous occasion, in which the eventual reunion with her teammates, after some burdensome booking procedures, would be a gratifying, exhilarating event—the worst punishment which Trans expected being a rioting reprimand of Missy Messiah.

As Gladiator and the other Guards knew, though—in addition to a few joltin' Jammers led by the crafty Corsair and his feline frau—a conspiracy was afoot, to render unto the shrewish savior and her intimate partner-in-insolence the most comprehensive of castigations—including the most embarrassing of executions.

So it was that on a given evening, on the main deck of one of the Guard's sleekest starships, that dinner for two was reserved for a certain couple of cerulean and magenta.

"I must say, Kallark," began Laurie as she sat to table with her new, most magnificent superman, "I never imagined that there would be any life at all beyond our planet—and such impetuous and…intrepid life at that." She fixed a seductive look upon Glads, and consistent with that first syllable of his nom de guerre, he could not help but grin in return.

"Whatever radiance you might see in me, my blue-violet baby, is only a modicum of that which I requite to you in turn."

At this, the heart of Miss Trommette triphammered. Its cadence, in fact, set the pace of the pulsating, pondering thoughts that raced through the girl's head, raced faster than she ever could in her milliseconds of midflight from one point to another in space. As Trans thought and thought about the times she would have with this great hero, the sumptuous seven-course between Kallark and his gal was served by none other than its preparer, the Guardsman known as Smasher. This Imperial had the talent to harness cosmic radiation to enhance his strength—and of late, he adapted the ability to take control of other kinds of rays as well, the expulsion of which could produce various results not only affecting himself, but also on other beings as well as certain objects with which he came into contact, such as perishable food items. In accordance with the abovementioned conspiracy, Smash doctored the dinner so that anyone who ingested it would soon thereafter experience a most…explosive side effect from it.

And this would soon visit the trysting twosome in spades.

It was in fact a few minutes later, in the sprinting stream of whimsies within her consciousness, Laurie thought of the intergalactic destinations to which her new boy would take her…the spacey sights that she would see…certainly first and foremost amongst them, the sensuous spectacle of Gladiator's ginormous, grapity…

[Gourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

"Ohmygod."

"Laurie…my love?"

Transonic buckled a bit in her seat as she felt her stomach growl again, roar so much more fiercely this time, the lingering sensation in her tummy turning to a fully laxative surge.

[GOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR]

She pointed abruptly to the chamber several meters away and looked at Kallark quizzically, just to make sure she was indicating the ladies' room. A nod later she was tearing through the air most Transonically for the spaceplodder's powder room.

As soon as she whisked into the rather spacious commode chamber, though, Laurie was knocked for a loop to find the lights to be snuffed out abruptly. "Kal?!" she cried as she struggled to get her bearings.

"Ahh…Transonic, my dear treasure!...just some…maintenance issues with the Guardship…we'll have the power back on in a picosecond."

Miss Trommette trembled a bit in the closed-in blackness around her. Then, a couple of seconds later:

[SHHCACCKKK]

The lights shocked back on…and Laurie was in turn shocked to see that she was not alone in these ladies quarters.

"How…Ma'am…Madam…?!"

"Yes, my dear," replied the sultry, seductive skunk of a Starjammer who was now reclining in a small rectangular sort of sandbox a few feet away.

Taking notice of the Earthling's aghast expression: "Oh…don't mind me, _mon chaton_…I'm just here to experience the same relief as you. So why don't you go on and sit down, go on…!"

Laurie kept both eyes fixed primarily on the albino feline female as she eased back onto the throne behind her, Transonic only using her peripherals to guide herself onto the seat…

…keeping perfectly with the plan of the Imperials and 'Jammers alike, as neither faction wanted the girl kept sufficiently distracted so that she never caught sight of the insides of the bowl prepared for her bowels.

These interspecies women of the washroom watched one another intently for another scatch of seconds, Laurie especially on edge as it was unnatural for her to just be sitting on the privy, waiting to make, with an alien looking to do the same just feet away.

"You know," the lady in the litter cut in rather lazily, interpolating herself most unapologetically within Miss Trommette's train of troubled thought, "I just _adore_ some of the commercial jingles that you Earthers have. Particularly the ones for various brands of pet food. You know the one for Meow Mix?

Trans stared most curiously as her tabby toiletmate then curled up around herself comfortably in her comfy box, commencing her catchy chorus:

"_Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow, Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow, Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow MEOW Meow-Meow-Meow …"_

Laurie gaped and gawked, unable to process all of this as she continued to try her best to go, the lady for so many moments stalled at the stall despite the laxative effect of Smasher's radioactive fare…

…

…but then it was a couple of beats later, and so many more Meows, that the Earth girl found herself lulled by the corny Purina theme. Some moments later and Laurie allowed her body to relax in the quirky catgirl's presence, the dame's digestives reacting accordingly as Transonic began to join in harmonizing with the other accordingly.

And so, the reclining catlady: _"Meow-meow-meow-meow…"_

Then Transonic: "Meow-meow-meow-meow…"

Cats again: _"Meow-meow-meow-meow…"_

And Miss T: "MEOW-meow-meow-me…"

(BRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP!)

Laurie stopped a second as her, er…transonic disruption of the wind beneath her bottom had sounded. She covered her face a second, thoroughly embarrassed.

The girl was encouraged to continue, though, at the endearing shrug and grin of the genteel 'Jammer nearby.

"_Meow-meow-meow-meow…"_

"Meow-meow-meow-meow…"

"_Meow-meow-meow-meow…"_

"MEOW-meow…"

(BRRRASSSHHHHHHLLLLLOOORRRRRPPPPP…)

This time Laurie cut herself off not with a gasp but with a laugh, as she allowed freely to let the laxative reaction within her take effect. Between the two of them, Laurie and the feisty feline were really having a blast now, in more ways than one.

It was really a shame, in light of this, that the third occupant there—the one whose head and neck were protruding from the piping of the customized commode, her freckled face just breaking the surface of the toilet water, her features never noticed by the distracted, rushed Trommette as the latter sat down—she wasn't enjoying herself nearly as much in all of this.

Especially not now as the smell of Miss Trommette's trumpeting seconds ago was just outshined by those earlier meal courses which were just shat so shatteringly into the young lady's face.

"MMMPPPHHH!" was all the gagged and gagging, messed-upon Messiah could manage, she barely able to see through all the brown as another load was coursing through to be emptied upon her intimately.

"_Meow-meow-meow-meow…"_

"Meow-meow-meow-meow…"

"_Meow-meow-meow-meow…"_

"MEOW-meow-meow…"

(BRRRRRASSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTT!)

"Ahh…this feels so _good!_" yelped Laurie as she relished in this rhapsody of relief. "I have to say, I've never felt quite so alive, Miss…umm…?"

"Mademoiselle Hepzibah, my good lady! And no need to thank me, young one…this is only a portion of the reward you deserve for having served our Guard, and your galaxy, so excellently. Now…shall we proceed with the next segment?"

"Gladly!"

"_Meow-meow-MEOW-meow…"_

"Meow-mih-MEOW…meow…"

"_Meow-meow-meow-MEOW!…"_

(BRRRROOOSSSHHHHHHAAALLLLLLLLLLLOOOOORRRRRPPPPPUPPPLLLUPPPLLLE…)

And so, in turn, did the partially-submerged Hope Summers herself receive a suitable, long-time-coming comeuppance through the commode—some wedges of waste even striking her nose with enough force to fracture it, most ironically—as Laurie unwittingly but literally perpetrated, all over the face of her Light partner now, what the latter had always done metaphorically upon Miss Trommette in the past.

At the other end of the deck, one could rest assured that the same was being effected upon Hope's accomplice Cohuelo, as Kallark crowed upon his own Shi'ar shitter.

But unlike the toilet tryst for Transonic, in which the lady had no idea what she was doing to her arrogant acquaintance under the seat…this punishment of purging was enacted most certainly on purpose.

"Feeling a bit…pooped down there, son?!"

(BRRRRRAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHAAAAARRRRRPPPPPLLLLLAAAPPPLLLE)

The power drainer ringed around Gabe's throat precluded his ability to burst through the seat—just as the same was the case for his girlfriend across the way, who like him was being execrated most cruelly with an excess of excrement.

Churning, converted chow crowded the countenance of the restroom-manacled Mister Cohuelo as Kallark's last course had completed channeling through his tracts.

A minute or two later, and…

(FTASSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH)

"Laurie…LOOK!"

Trommette was tripped out of her jubilant trance of a sudden by her new beau's blurting out. "It's the Starjammer Binary…she's emitting all the colors of the eletrcomagnetic spectrum—just for us! COME QUICKLY!"

Abruptly each of the lavender lovers finished evacuating on his or her respective seat, then evacuated the loo in turn to meet up in one another's respective arms.

Streams of tears welled from Laurie Trommette's eyes at the sheer magnificence of the light show as

(SSSHHHHHHBBBLLLAAAAAASSSSSTTTTT)

the devilish Miss Danvers played her part in the conspiracy, she providing yet another distraction for Transonic as the former diversion, Mam'sell Hep, hurried out of the bathroom and

((BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM)) ((BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM))

the relatively smaller explosion, from charges all around Hope and Gabe respectively ensued, keeping each whole but blasting him and her in turn out into the reaches of space. Of course, the sound of these booms were muffled by the prominent pounding issuing from Danvers's display of her powers.

And so Transonic never heard it, nor did she ever see the feculent figures of her unpleasant Light teammates as they were flung out into the vastness of the void.

"You know what the best part of that dinner was?" Gladiator said as he held his lady tightly, tenderly against his side. "It wasn't heavy at all…just went right through us. It was a meal for Kallark and Laurie—for Kallaurie—without the calories!"

"Oh, Kal…!" cried Transonic, the Light allowing herself to smile freely for once as she leapt into the man's arms all the more for the mushiest of kisses.

The smooching countenances of Kallaurie were smothered in light from Binary's brilliant lightshow just as, out in space, the feces-fucked faces of "Gope" were slathered with the most dreadful kind of darkness. Gabe threw his hands to his features, slinging aside enough of the shit to be able to see out to his girl, get a move on so that perhaps he could still reach her. The blast had blown apart the power drainer collar around his neck, and he could now sprint freely across the stars. Surely the Starjammers and the Imperial Guard had not accounted for such a happenstance as that, and Veloicidad could still get to the Messiah in time.

He rushed along the void, Gabe's legs feeling a bit rubbery out here with no atmosphere…but adrenalin somehow kept his superhuman form going. Hope was within meters of him now, her form turning in fact just as he came close, the literally shitfaced couple making eye contact, just underneath the looming exhaust intake of the long, sleek ship…just as

(WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

Warp Factor X kicked in, the ship's thrusters bursting out in their full furious white-hot glory, the wake of the blast obliterating the bodies of the two Lights almost entirely.

Up inside the ship, Kallark looked out in the general direction of the roustabout lovers' remains as he held Laurie ever closer. "I promised you a show, Laur," he said, as each gave the other an intimate squeeze. "From Warbird's talents to the warship's thrusters…I hope we all put on a nice little show for you to remember."

Transonic looked up lovingly at her man. "This will always…always stay in my heart, Kal."

And so the memory of this magnificent evening would remain within the cores of the couple, while the converted comestibles they consumed would be long gone, out into space in fact.

Although not entirely, Kallark thought, as he knew that he still had some use for the crapped-out cremains of those two lousy Lights.

EPILOGUE

"MMMmmmmmm…" purred Rachel Grey, the late-league Starjammer, as she chomped down on another cheeseburger. Such fare was always the favorite of the Phoenix from the Future, as was mentioned or demonstrated in many an X-Issue.

"These are really well-done—both in terms of how they were cooked, and how they taste—in any case better than I've ever had…probably in my entire life! Smashy, baby…what was put in these?!"

The gallant Guardsman looked over to the Marvel of a Girl and sighed comfortably. Just as with his cooking, his grilling could not be outdone either.

"Ahh, my dear lady…just some ginger…some salsa…and a fine smattering of chocolate."

Smasher thought fondly of the couple for whom he prepared that several-course feast the week previous, the two now honeymooning somewhere out among so many heavenly bodies in this galaxy. He figured that the joy of Transonic and Gladiator could only be matched right now by the Happy Eater who was right in front of him.

Said Eater, in turn, stopped chewing a second, thought about the curious combination that was in her mouth, could swear that its very atoms were more unique than anything she'd ever tasted before.

Then not unlike an unpleasant aunt in an initial National Lampoon _Vacation_ feature, Rachel just shrugged and kept right on chewing.

It was in this way, then, that the threats of the Machine's Messiah and her fastass flunky were finally brought to a halt, and everyone's lives—especially those of Kallark and Laurie—were much more regular from there.

(Gamecube Metroid Item Acquisition "Fanfare" Theme plays to reflect that all is right with the multiverse once again).


End file.
